5 Steps to Walking Cool

Recently I made a very important trip. I rode 40 minutes to Christopher Newport University where I will be attending school for the next 4 years. This is not, however, a blog about college. I'm not saying college isn't chyeah worthy but I haven't been here long enough to say how much and why. I did quickly realize how important walking is. Not just walking, but walking cool. Walking cool is walking like you don't actually have anywhere to go. It works best when you're not talking to someone at the time. This technique desolves any notion that you might be lonely. The 5 Step (get it?) program to Walking Cool was developed by me in about 5 seconds and I've decided to share it with you, the loyal reader. Now, let's get down to business.

Step 1: Make sure you are wearing the proper shoes. This technique does not work with flip flops. Let's face it. No amount of swag will help you if you're wearing open toe shoes. Great for the beach and ok when you're rolling deep but they're definitely not the shoe of choice when you're trying to be intimidating all by yourself.

Step 2: This step is your supplies. On a college campus you're usually holding something. Bring a book or binder wherever you go to make this more effective. You will also need your cell phone with you (as if you already didn't bring it everywhere). Nothing else is necessary but if you're like me your pockets will be filled with stuff anyway.

Step 3: Now we're moving. Posture is imporant to this technique. You want to refrain from hunching forward. If anything, you want to be constantly leaning backwards. Your toes should be pointed slightly outward. Your left hand should be in your left pocket grasping your phone. This is non negotiable. No cool guy takes more than 2 seconds to whip out his phone when he hears his gangsta ringtone that he wasted money on. Your right arm should be straight while cradling your books and swinging slowly. Though this may seem insignificant, it gives the illusion that you have somewhere to be but you just don't care.

Step 4: This is the real walking step so pay attention. You must take slow, long strides. You really won't be able to move quickly when you walk this way. It's important that you take large steps so you do actually get places in a timely fashion regardless of what others think. You won't get any Cool Points for sliding around people and stepping on their toes. With this technique people will get out of your way if you gain on them. If you are doing everything right your shoulders will have a kind of casual bounce to them. This is just another layer in the our cake of cool.

Step 5: Your face completes the illusion and is vital to the techniques effectiveness. First and foremost, DO NOT SMILE. I can not stress this enough. You will completely break the character you are trying to convey if you're doing this with a big smile on your face. The next part is complicated so you may have to read it several times. As you walk there are a few things you can do if you really want to impress your inevitble onlookers. These gestures work in sequence so make sure you follow them exactly. Part one is licking your lips. Don't stick the tongue out too far. Just enough to wet your lips. Your head can either be turned to the right or straight for this. Directly afterward you'll want to turn your head to the left and squint and immediately following turn your head to the right and spit. You have a small window to look behind you after you spit with a smooth cutting of the eyes. There is no other way to turn your head and keep up the illusion. By doing this people can see that you legitimately don't care about anyone but yourself. If you do happen to see someone you know then it is acceptable to head nod them in an upward motion or give them dap. Saying "hi" or any other greeting simply will not do.

There is so much more to walking that I can't begin to cover in this blog. You may have questions. Some FAQs are what to do when you have a bookbag on or what to do when you have to run. I'll answer these if asked but I gave you the basics. Remember these tips and use them often. The more you do it, the more people will remember you when they see you and stare at you at any given moment wishing they could be that cool. Above all, remember to be yourself. It's not cool to change your habits just because it will make you seem cool. After all, nobody likes a poser, amirite? Chyeah!