What? Poliwhirl is evolving?

Today began the same as any other; with the gentle sounds of lawnmowers bringing me to consciousness at around noon, the sweltering heat of the sun plastering me to my bed sheets, and my morning erection staring me in the face. This day, however, was not to be the same as the others I had enjoyed during these few days of summer as a high school graduate. No, today had been predetermined by the great Allah himself to be a day of greatness, of distinction, and full of absolute and utter win.

My tale begins several months ago, on an outing with Turbo that ended with the purchasing of Pokemon Crystal. This may seem curious, however, about the time of April, senior-itis had a firm grasp on my being and seeing as I was not going to bother myself with homework any longer, I thought, "eh, why not?" As I brushed the dust, cobwebs, and decaying remnants of ancestors-past, off of my pink game boy advance, a rush of childhood memories overtook me and flung me to the ground, almost as if I were being attacked by the cyndaquil I had just selected as my companion. The next few weeks witnessed a religious-like commitment to raising and training my pokemon as I attempted, for the second time in my life, to catch em all. Tragically, my previous attempt ended bitterly as I, a foolish young boy, accidentally saved over my game of well over 9000 hours. Shutting out my earlier heartbreak, I again trekked the various routes and towns of Johto, aided by my ruthless poke-faction. Patrons of chyeah, let me tell you, there was not a trainer in the poke-world that could have touched my indomitable following of pokemon, however, there remained one issue that seemed to draw from my group's authority-- my poliwhirl. While every other pokemon of mine was at its evolutionary peak, poliwhirl refused to comply, and thus, stuck out as a weak link. Despite my efforts, it seemed I was doomed to mediocrity, until it was revealed unto me by Allah, taking the form of a pink faced poke-prophet, that I was in need of a water stone. Honestly, this angered me to no end--what moronic infidel decided that a creature as common as a polywag would require a fucking rock to force it to evolve? My anger was short lived, however, as I quickly acquired one, and, as of this morning, I, the Arabian Knight, became the proud trainer of a Poliwrath. Suck it.